1991 - ????

Everyone has a birthdate, and everyone has a deathdate. If one is famous, those two dates are usually a solid fact that everybody knows. If one is not famous, those dates may only be significant to a select few. However, it is the dash in between those dates that really matter.

I have solidly been thinking about that these past few days, and people have addressed the topic before. What do I do with my dash? What have I done, what am I doing, and what will I do with the life God has given me between the day I breathed my first breath, to the day I exhale for the last time. Will that dash make a difference in this world? Will it be important to anyone?

Someone mentioned a week or so ago this thought, "Often, time leaves its mark on us in one way or another, but what are we doing to leave our mark on time?" What did Elvis or Princess Di do that was so amazing, that millions of people can remember them? What is Carissa doing to make a difference, not necessarily to this whole world, but to one person's view on the world. Who will look at my headstone at my funeral and see more than a birthday and a deathday? Who will see my dash?

Often times I wonder if each person I know will look back on my life differently. If God choses to bless me with a husband, will he see me differently than my parents? Will my children see the work I do differently than my neighbors view it? I pray even now that my witness is solid to every person I know. I desire to be a person that is genuine and honest in every situation, keeping a level head and facing adversity, knowing Who has won. With that being said, I DO plan on being the same person in every circle of influence God choses to bless me with. I plan on making a difference.

I don't have major plans to change the world; I don't see my name going down in history. Not many Christian names do, but God's name does. If my life can bring glory to Him, then that is how I chose to live. I pray that my dash is continually in a state of worship and surrender to the Father.

Here I sit, at the end of 2010 looking back on all that God has done for me. That portion of my dash has passed. This next year can hold as many changes as the autumn leaves, or stay solidly the same. I am in favor of wherever God leads. I just pray that I never neglect an opportunity to make even the smallest impact on someone else. Time will not get the best of me, because I have the Creator of all time and existence on my side. And I must say, it is a wonderful place to be.

Be Joyful in Hope

This is about to be an intense ramble. It is 6:30 in the morning. My mind is active, and my heart is as well. I feel an overwhelming sense of passion.

overwhelm: bury or drown beneath a huge mass

passion: strong and barely controllable emotion

What is keeping me awake? What is it that is leaving my bed, with clean sheets stretched across it, empty? It is this sudden desire to deliver hope.

desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen

hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen

Maybe those last two words seem a bit redundant, but I strongly wish for other people to have an expectation for their future. I have literally been up researching organizations and foundations for teen moms, suicide survivors, people who struggle with self-injury, substance abusers, child abuse victims, people with eating disorders, pro-life organizations, etc, for the past few hours. The desire to do something bigger than Carissa is again, overwhelming.

I am on the bottom rung of my career pursuit. Seeking an undergraduate degree in Psychology will give me the secular basis needed to ultimately get a Master's of Divinity in Biblical Counseling. But what if a degree is only a label?

degree: an academic rank conferred by a college or university after examination or after completion of a course of study

label: a small piece of paper, fabric, plastic, or similar material attached to an object and giving information about it

Everyday we are given a choice. To make a difference, or not. There comes that pivotal moment in a situation where you act in response, or walk away. How many times do we walk away from potentially saving someone's life?

My heart nearly explodes with a desire to make a difference. I am not in college for me, but rather for someone else's sake. If I can make an impact on one person, one heart, one soul, then it will all be worth it.

Romans 12:11-13 -- Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

randomrambleaboutcollegelife

I wouldn't trade my chance to be in college for anything in this world. I love learning and I love the community here.. getting to know new people my age on a daily basis. But college life can be insane sometimes. Example: it is almost 4:00 in the morning. Point proven?

For me, college life is simple. Maybe not healthy.. but definitely not difficult. Besides battling procrastination, it is not hard to stay up all hours of the night. Until maybe, the next morning. It is fun to eat whatever I want, except the after affect of a gurgling tummy. Example: today for breakfast I ate 3 mini cinnamon rolls, for lunch I ate a peanut butter and jelly burrito, and for dinner I ate a pack of fruit crisps and some popcorn. Unfortunately now I am a bit hungry.. so after my shower I believe I will cook some Ramen.

That leads me to Ramen, which by the way.. is amazing and an important component of college life. I have multiple ways I can fix a bowl of Ramen:

--with mayo and tuna

--with Italian or ranch dressing

--with mayo, sliced ham, and dill pickles

I am sure there are many other ways.. but those are some of my favorites!

College kids are usually associated with having a lack of finances. It is hard to juggle 17 hours and find time to place a decent part-time job in there. That just adds to the adventure of being in college; always wondering what lunch will be. Ramen again? Peanut butter and jelly? A sock who's match was misplaced in the wash? Yum. [Disclaimer: I have not yet consumed a sock during my college career.]

I love not wearing make-up. That isn't just a college thing, but more of a "an extra 5-10 minutes of sleep is so much more precious than personal appearance this morning" thing. And I love the friends I have here on campus as well. I have built a little community around myself, and know I can always count on them.

This is such a little ramble. But sometimes it just hits you. It has been a month since I moved on campus. I am functioning rather well.. and like to believe I am thriving [though my sleeping and eating habits probably claim otherwise]. So if you are done with college, congrats. Good luck in the real world. If you have yet to get to college, work hard in high school. It is so worth having a good education, and graduating with higher degrees and knowledge. And if you are like me and are enjoying [or maybe despising] college at this moment in your life, persevere, don't procrastinate, and make the best of every moment you are given.. with every person God has placed in your life on campus and off.

/randomrambleaboutcollegelife

Oh Birdie

So here I am, sitting in my new apartment. The feeling? Weird. But a good weird. I keep feeling like a new bird that is learning to fly. Most of it is instinct and watching others who are older than me. But I feel like that new little bird still has a teeny bit of fear inside. Nevertheless, I have flown. Or am flying?

I could tell I was on campus when I got home, aka - to my apartment, and I realized I didn't have anything cooked up for dinner. I settled with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and animal crackers. But it was that small thing that made me realize something huge. My mommy isn't here with me. I can't take her to college. I didn't get a goodnight hug. I love you mom. You are.. amazing. My role model. You are the best mommy in the whole wide world. And I am not just saying that because I have to. You actually are.

My sisters. Oh darlings, I love you. :] Hannah, hold down the house. Not that I did a very good job of it.. but you got this. I know you will do awesome in school, you always do. I hope to see you super often. Bekah, always remember you are my whack-job in training. :] You have a lot to live up to if you desire to be as crazy as me. But besides that.. keep growing, and keep smiling. I like when you smile, a lot. Rosy.. oh my little Rosy. I miss you, buggie-boo. I hope you had a nice evening.. and I hope you are enjoying my big comfy bed. Please draw me pictures and write me letters with mazes in them. :]

Daddy. I love you. I look up to you with such an eye of amazement. Somehow you manage to work hard for our family, giving us a house and food and clothes.. which sometimes I take for granted. But you are awesome. It really hit me that I am out on my own when my car started acting up and you told me you would get me the number to call to put it in the shop. Thank you so much for teaching me some of the most practical things.. stuff I need to know in life. Like putting oil in my car, and air in my tires. You are awesome.

So I'll spread these wings and try to fly

And if I fail at least you know I tried

I hope that I make you proud

Even if I fall.

Sitting on the Other Side

Today was the graduation ceremony for Grace Home School Association. It was wonderful to be able to sit amongst teary eyed parents and grandparents, whooping friends, and crying babies, knowing I was already on the other side. I must be honest and say I teared up a few times, maybe because the spectrum of emotion in the room, or the mental connection that moment had to my own graduation on June 6, 2009. If you have never gone to a homeschool graduation, you may not understand. Watching parents hand a diploma to their child, a son or daughter they have watched grow up and were able to have a hand in every aspect of their teaching, is an intense moment.

In a homeschool graduation, every graduate is an individual. Not just a number. They experienced one on one instruction from the safety of their own home, and then walk toward their proud parents who get to share in the ceremony.

It is crazy to think that a year has passed. A full year. One of the girls who spoke today at the graduation made the comment on how when we were younger, we always wondered what we would grow up to look like. Who we would grow up to be. Well, that time is indeed here.

It is crazy to think that I used to be an awkward child/youth, and now here I am flirting with adulthood. Next Friday I start my final teenaged year. So often I wonder what I will be like in a year. Two years. Five years. Ten years. Where will I be? What will I be doing with my life? Again, what will I look like? I am not nervous at all. I am very eager and excited for the future God has for me. However, I am enjoying one day at a time.

I love watching each dream in my heart turn into one instant in my life. Ultimately, the sun sets and I am left with a collection of memories, stored in the back of my mind. But every moment is beautiful. I wouldn't trade my life in for any other. :]

May Recap

Surprise! I am still living! I have not blogged or written much of anything at all in the last month. I cannot believe it is almost June already. But I am indeed alive and doing well, though I am keeping quite busy.

So much has happened in the past month or so. I was confirmed a youth internship position at Cornerstone Baptist Church. I am so excited to be able to work alongside of Warren, giving back to the ministry that gave me so much. Teenagers are my passion, and I wouldn't spend my summer any other way. I am now known as "The Intern" as I also help Kris out at Radio Free Florence [www.radiofree.cc], which is always a blast!

One of my biggest accomplishments this past month though, I feel, has been the fact that I have been up-keeping a calendar. I always had a planner for school, never used it much, though it was handy. However, I have started using iCal on my Macbook.. and syncing it to my iTouch. Now I have every event that is going on, right at my fingertips. It is pretty insane how advanced technology has become. I'm a fan though, not gonna complain. :]

Would you like to hear about another accomplishment in the life of Carissa? Probably bigger than using iCal. I took a late spring class at Francis Marion, also known as "Maymester." It is an intense course, with 14 in-class days of teaching. It was also Probability and Statistics. If you have known me for any amount of time, I am not a math person. I have never been decent at math in any way, shape, or form. I tend to forget what I learn rather quickly when it comes to computing numbers and solving for letters. But this course seemed to click a bit. I managed to make it through, and with a B+ to boot! It is such a great feeling too to know that I finished all the math I need for my Bachelor's degree. Though I hear rumor that I have to take a more targeted prob&stats for Psychology.. that will be worth it because it pertains to my career. I feel like it will click better. As far as my general education classes go.. Math is complete!

I cannot believe my Freshman year is done. Time is passing so quickly as I age. I like to think of myself as a cheese though. Some cheese are better as they age. I am also a huge fan of cheese so that's a plus. Just thinking about these past few semesters though, has been crazy. People always say the friends you make in college are the friends you keep the most in-touch with. I feel like I have made a pretty awesome close-knit group of friends. I wouldn't trade them in for anything in this world [not even cheese].

Well, as May draws to a close, I face another month to live to glorify God. Bring it on!

Light a Fire

Light a fire, in my soul.

Fan the flame, make me whole.

Lord you know, where I've been.

So light a fire in my heart, again.

I love this song. I feel like it encompasses so much that has been going on these past few days in the youth group at Cornerstone. I am humbled to be a part of it, and feel the power of prayer.

This has been my prayer since I became a senior in high school. My senior year I fell off the bridge a few times.. and didn't make it everything I could have. At the end, when I was nearing graduation, I challenged the juniors to take a stand. Be bold.. and go where no teenager has gone before in their walk with Christ.

That cry has become my passion. I don't think I could even describe to you how burdened I am for the youth group I graduated from. That is where I found friends, hope, truth, and freedom.

This whole past year though, I feel has been nothing. Honestly. I wanted to see leaders, young men, young women, step up. No one did. I have already pretty much given up my whole summer to be with the youth at Cornerstone. I chose that over summer missions. For a while.. I was kicking myself for that decision.

But now? Now, I am so excited and ready for this. Tonight we had an evening of testimony and commitment.. confession and moving forward. I teared up as each face, each teenager with a flame inside of them went to usher fourth a challenge or confess a weakness. I was humbled. I wanted something outstanding to happen in the youth at Cornerstone.. but I hadn't even seen this coming.

I still have tears in my eyes. Whoever is reading this.. I want you to understand.. or try to understand how passionate I am about this movement.. about this REVIVAL. Our God is alive and moving.

He is in the business of changing lives.

If you made a decision to change.. I dare you to stick with it. He desires to mold you into a radical disciple.. and work through your life.

And as a side note, I am a huge fan of coffee, and quality time face to face chats about God and miracles, brokenness and change, testimony and the future God has called you too. So lets do that.. for real. We need to hold each other accountable. I want YOU to know I am here for you.. and I love you. Whoever you are. I do. With a burning passion.. a fire.

I see a generation, rising up to take their place.

With selfless faith, selfless faith.

I feel a near revival, stirring as we pray and seek.

We're on our knees, we're on our knees.

As Pottery Crumbles

As pottery crumbles, lives collapse.

Pride fades, hope swells, and grace envelopes.

In South Asia, there is still a caste system in practice. An image of social hierarchy. Well, the Dalit people group is at the bottom of the status chain. The label "Dalit" literally means "Untouchable." This is a group of people, MILLIONS of people, who are neglected and cast aside. When they go into a public place to eat they are given a little clay cup to drink from. Afterwards, the cup is smashed and destroyed because no one in the upper levels of the caste system would even drink after an Untouchable.

This week at BCM, we were challenged to be broken. Kendal had prepared a segment of the evening for confession and brokenness. He had small clay pots set up near microphones. Our challenge was to search our hearts for sin and impurities that needed to be confessed to God, go up to the microphone and confess that, and then smash a clay pot on a rock. This symbolized how in actuality, we are all sinners, we are all untouchable.

Walking up to that rock and smashing a small clay pot on it is insignificant. Anyone can do that. However, really seeing the symbolism in the act can be so impacting. It was so humbling for me, to cry out to the God of this universe and admit where I fall short. He does not even have to respond. He does not even have to listen. He does not even have to forgive.

We are dirty and undeserving of His perfect love. But it is because of that love He has for us that He sent Christ to die on the cross. He sent His Son to walk among us. Not only to be with us, but to OFFER His life for us. That is so much more than we deserve. We are dirty, we are sinners, we are Untouchable.

After strongholds were broken down with the smashing of pots, Kendal placed a red cloth over the table with the broken pieces on it. That symbolized Jesus' blood that covered a multitude of sins. ALL sins.

"Therefore, this is what the Holy One of Israel says: "Because you have rejected this message, relied on oppression and depended on deceit, this sin will become for you like a high wall, cracked and bulging, that collapses suddenly, in an instant. It will break in pieces like pottery, shattered so mercilessly that among its pieces not a fragment will be found for taking coals from a hearth or scooping water out of a cistern." --Isaiah 30:12-14

Faith and Obedience

Obeying God can sometimes lead to some major changes. In my case: literally. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut or President of the United States. Neither of those will come true, obviously, because they were just silly little girl dreams, and unless you are Cinderella, not all dreams will come true. My career dreaming led to Interior Design when I was a little older, then that morphed into Graphic Design. My Junior year in high school I had it all set. I began seeking out colleges with decent Visual Communication programs, and began psyching myself up for a life as an artist. Sounded pretty good!

My youth pastor took a group of us to a conference in 2008 called Kaleo, which is geared to helping students answer the call God has placed on their lives. That weekend I felt a serious tug at my heart to enter the world of Psychology and work towards being a counselor or therapist for teen girls.

Well I pushed that feeling aside. I had a dream, and that was to become a graphic designer. I honestly didn't know what I wanted to do as a career, but that seemed like a pretty up and coming major to choose. I wanted to be Carissa: the artist. Trust me I had this all planned out. So for the next two years I pursued my dreams.

I am in full support of seeking to do what you dream of doing or what you love to do. But here is what it all boiled down to for me. I had a dream to become Carissa: the artist. Do you see where the problem lies? There is an awful lot of "Carissa" in the phrase "Carissa: the artist." God gave me a passion for teenaged girls who are hurting, struggling, and barely making it through life. That call and passion He placed in my life is so much bigger then the dreams of Carissa: the artist.

Now I am a Freshman/Sophomore in college. I went back to Kaleo, the conference that started it all. In these past few years I could not push Psychology out of my mind.. believe me, I tried. So Kaleo 2010 rolls around and call it guts or call it God.. I had that feeling again. Psychology. I have never taken a Psychology class in my life. But today, March 23, 2010 I have officially taken the step of blind faith to answer that call. Where it may lead? I am not fully certain.

So when the church encourages you to put your cell phone on silent, be sure you do not attempt to silence God's voice the same way. That connection must be left on "high" at all times. The call of God is more important then any dream you may have.

Listen for it.

Answer it.

Setting Sparrows Free

Beneath every masked face

There is a bundle of lies

Waiting to be discovered

Behind every shattered mirror

Hide regrets from the past

Screaming to be brought to the light

Inside every locked cage

A sparrow flaps bitterly

Hopelessly--

Longing to be set free

March 17, 2010

Undeserved Love

Humbled. Once again I am reminded of the brutal and morbid death You died. For me. For all that I have done. Every single sin I have committed or will commit in my lifetime was wrapped up in that pain.

You are.. the Spotless Lamb. The Holy Son of God. You have never cursed, lusted, lied, judged, kept a grudge, or even thought bad thoughts. And here I am. A worthless piece of junk. Or am I?

What did You see in me? When You were being torn to shreds, did You see my life? You knew I would mess up. You knew I would sin. Even after repenting and accepting Your forgiveness, I still blatantly go out and sin against You. You died for a worthless creature. I don't even love You like I should.

But You LOVE me. Even though I swung that whip. Even though I hammered that nail into Your wrist. How could You? It is like using a spotless new rag to wipe up a dirty mess. But in that process, You made me clean; You made me new.

Here I am. A sinner. A slanderer.

You are my Savior.

You are too good to me.

All Aboard!

Welcome aboard the SS Life!

We as Christians are all rowing in the same boat, and this isn't a "Merrily merrily merrily gently down the stream" boat. This is a boat full of adventure, trials, and opportunities to exercise patience. This is a boat where we need to work as a team to keep it moving in the right direction, and we need to work as individuals to encourage those around us to keep rowing.

God directs the current. He has His hand in the winds and the breezes that fill our sails. Some days it is smooth sailing, and we can raise the sails and relax a little bit. But some days, when the storms begin to rage we must bunker down and keep a good grip on the oars, for if we do not, we risk being tossed overboard.

The most important thing to realize though, is that God is the captain, and we are simply deckhands. We have no say in the navigation of the boat. It is just our decision to go the way we are directed. Sometimes the current is rough, sometimes the waves are rocky. But if God created the storms, we know He created them for a reason.

Trust. Trust trust trust is the key word in this situation. I am learning how important the meaning of that word is.. daily. "Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.. acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation." Man is that powerful or what? God has called us to trust Him. To trust our Captain.

So tell me. Are you ready for this voyage through the seas of life?

Four Years.

Well today is February 12th. Four years ago to this very day we were traveling through about a foot of snow to move down south.

Four years ago today, I was bitter, selfish, and very upset. But looking back, I am SO glad my parents made the decision to move, because if they didn't, I would not be the girl I am today.

It is the challenging times in our lives that allow us to grow stronger and develop into the people that God has called us to be. If I did not move, then I would still be comfortable. I would not have met all the wonderfully amazing people I know today.

Four years ago today, I was mad at God, and I was mad at my parents. But now I am so grateful for the calling they felt to move down here. I told myself I would never like it here.. and things would never be the same. I was right. I do not like it here, I LOVE it here. And things truly aren't the same. They are better. I am a better person.

If you are in a rough circumstance where your world is changing, twisting, and crashing, hold tight to the love God has for you. Things might be hard now, but when the storm clouds break and the sun bursts through, you will see the flowers blooming. Flowers with vibrant colors that could only stay alive with rain.

What If..

What if God has called me?

What if following that call means giving up my dreams,

and instead,

allows me to follow my passion?

What if people think I'm crazy?

What if.

Now what?

Will I be obedient?

Will I pursue God's visions,

or selfishly remain wrapped up in my own?

I cannot continue to run in the opposite direction.

Yes,

I have no idea what I am doing.

But isn't that what faith is?

A Puzzle and a Picture

I pulled the box down off the shelf

I began to lift the lid

Inside were all kinds of pieces

The pieces to my life

I began to take them out

I examined each one

I started to laugh at some and cry at others

The pictures were rarely clear

Many were hazy

And most of them - blank

As I began to piece them together

I started to look at each one

Trying to find how they interlocked

I finally found a few to connect

Their edges were flush

The rest of the pieces were in a jumble

I couldn't even begin to sort them out

I didn't know where to begin

I started with the straight edges

And began to fill in the center

It took days

Weeks

Years

Finally I am finished

I have a completed puzzle

A puzzle representing my life

I just have to wait and see

What the picture will look like

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That is something I wrote in January of 2007. Three years ago. There is something powerful to be discovered by looking back over one's life and discovering the plan God had. I have always loved to write. For about 2 years I wrote stuff like that all the time, about whatever I was feeling at the time. This was something I had written during a confusing time in my life. I had been in South Carolina for a year, and I hated it. I still did not know what God had planned for my future.

I know now, looking back, that moving was the best thing God could have tossed into my life. I am learning so much RIGHT NOW, that I would not be learning if I was still in Pennsylvania. Well maybe I would, but I would not have had some of the experiences I had here. Three years ago, when I wrote this poem type thing, I could not have even began to imagine all that God would be doing in my life right now.

I can honestly say though, I can see some of that picture. I can see the reasons I went through the things I did. I have a story. Everybody does. Have you ever taken the time to reread your own life-story up until this point, up until this moment, and think about all the things God has brought you through?

All of the fires you have walked through.

All of the storms you have encountered.. finding the peace of God enveloping you in one massive wave in the midst of it.

When our lives our complete, what will we leave behind? I often think about that. When my life is done, and I pass out of this world, how will people remember me? What will people associate my name with? Will the repercussions of my life go on and on? Or will that memory fade away, staying only with those I was closest to. All of that does not even compare to the most important question though. When people look at me.. do they see me? Or do they see God? When I die, will people say, "Carissa, she lived her life for God," or will I just be, "Carissa."

Who will you be? Looking at your life, RIGHT NOW.. what would someone say about you? Would everyone say the same thing?